By Luca Morganti, enraged New Yorker
Damn do I hate New Jersey, the most densely populated state in America, mostly because it is comprised of huge assholes and chemical waste. It’s one redeeming quality, the fantastic Italian and Dominican food contained within its borders that should seldom be crossed. Worst of all, none of that great food exists in the proximity of New Jersey Red Bulls arena, located 90 minutes from West Manhattan via public Jersey transit. For further proof that the Red Bulls do not play in New York, see the included photo of our MTA public transit list of how to get to games played in our City.
Screenshot of the teams MTA lists in New York. No energy drinks to be found because this isn’t a bodega.
You know what really pisses me off? That they abbreviate their club named after an energy drink as ‘NYR’ – the abbreviation for the Rangers, a real team that plays in actual New York and sells out every game it plays. And that their moronic fans had the audacity to make a sign that said, “The Big Apple – Red to the Core.” Oh is it? Well two things: then why is your ‘ultras’ section a quarter empty, and why don’t you idiots know that nobody ever calls it “The Big Apple”? Ever. It’s like saying, “London – we’ve got The Eye on you!” Right; because every Londoner is lining up to get on a corny Ferris wheel.
You know what else pisses me off? Conceding a goal when you’re up a man (sad, but New Jersey’s Bradley Wright-Phillips stole the show with two goals), and offsides rulings on free kicks. In the end we lost 2-1. Villa played poorly, still clearly nursing an injury, and he was taken off early. The plight of depth and rostering only one of our two Designated Players continues.
As you can tell, this was a brutal one, albeit very entertaining loss. It’s not really brutal because we lost – because I, as you should, reader, expected that. It’s because the 15,000 Red Bull fans that actually exist showed up for the sake of being half-literate assholes, ignorant of their own history and shortcomings, as people from New Jersey tend to excel at. And their victory only fuels the fire in these mouth-breathers’ ash-filled skulls.
Their main tifo was a photo of Dopey, one of Snow White’s Seven Dwarves, wearing a Man City Lite t-shirt and a tagline: “Twenty Years Late And A Stadium Short.” I won’t give it credence by including a photo. Why? BECAUSE THEY, AS THE METROSTARS, PLAYED IN AN EMPTY AMERICAN FOOTBALL STADIUM FOR FIFTEEN YEARS! You are the reason MLS is trying to enforce the rule that teams must have a stadium built so they don’t linger around Jersey for a decade and a half! You were a big reason why we couldn’t expand the league: NFL is not dealing with scheduling conflicts between the Jets, Giants, and a soccer team no one cares about. You think American football teams want their fields torn up by the likes of you on a Saturday? HA! The NFL made $9bn profit last year. They, like New York, wanted you to go away.
Also, they throw Man City Lite in our face? We think it’s a bunch of bull too! We think it should be illegal because it is our ten-games-ever-played-but-still-has-more-of-a-fanbase-than-you expansion team experience up! We fans mostly rooted against Man City this year in hopes of getting Lampard earlier, and we almost didn’t buy season tickets over the controversy. Almost. So thanks for agreeing with us! If this kinda nonsense stops happening, we will crush you with Yankee and Sheik oil money.